I have this weird idea of writing a letter to my future teenage daughter. i would call her sushmita.Here i go.........
Dear sushmita,
Today is your 16th birthday. on this occasion i would like to share some things with you as a mother. now i'm not going to lay down any rules and regulations and say "FOLLOW THEM OR DIE." Your mother is different from others. I'm not going to tell you how to live. who am i after all? Just because i'm your mother doesn't mean that i own you. you are not an object.
Firstly, i have seen that you are quite shy.Well there is nothing wrong in that. But what bothers me is that you have this godzilla sized inferiority complex. why sushmita? Now i'm not going to say that' how can you love others when you don't love yourself' and other quotes. i want to say onething....close your eyes and say "i deserve respect..why should'nt i?" and let me tell you one thing. This respect cannot be earned from anyone. Respect is a very important word in life. Never forget this word.When you start respecting yourself ,the word 'possible' which was your irregular guest starts coming everyday to your house. Don't you want to welcome your guest? now you might hesitate opening the door because when you peep through the hole of the door you get scared: this guest brings an unwelcomed guest: responsibility
Its unwelcomed but you can't ignore the guest. Take responsibility of your life. Try to keep your life's complain box empty.I think life is pretty impartial. It gives all of us a set of arms and ammuntions to fight the war of life. There are doors of opportunities. Its only the deaf who can't hear the knock on the door, the dumb who don't open it due to fear of unwelcomed guests like changes and the blind who hear the knock but they don't open it because they can't see the door.
open the door sushmita.Also one thing that no one has told you. Your confidence should not flow because you have talent....your confidence should come from the fact that you deserve to walk on this earth!!! you have the right to breathe this air.....you have the right to live dear....Don't let anyone take away this right from you. As oprah winfrey said ," you are worthy because you are born."
To be continued if i feel like writing this kind of crap again... My God! how can any sane person write such stuff?
48 comments:
Bless you my child. Excellent. Simply, inexplicably fantastic blog I've ever come across in my life from a teen ager.
Your craving for a mother like this and to imagine yourself like her....This is the most tragic blog I've ever come across.
I love you. You are indeed precious.
Whoa!
That was one excellent post! Indeed!
I sure hope that you will follow what you wrote, so that you wouldn't have to write something like this to yourself again. :D
I'm sure that you wrote this one without regard for others' appreciation or criticism. That's what makes this post excellent.
first of all, i must use this opportunity to congratulate you on your gift of mind, creativity and desire. I want you to contemplate on your words, a little deeper, a littler finer and a little harder. why is your daughter named sushmita? Why in this letter, concieved before her birth, to do predict her to be having fears, that too huge? Why she has to learn value of respect for the first time from yor words.
My task is here is only to appreciate the beauty, and to support it to prosper and foster. May rainbow come in your life, owords, thoughts and above all in your actions.
@june
i love you too. you are a great role model. And the mother here is the one i am searching for from my childhood. of course i have my mother but shes pessimistic and there is a huge communication gap.
I didnt have anyone to tellme all this. i was responsible for that because i didn't approach any one due to fear of rejection. this thing hurts me everyday. i see teachers and visulalise them telling me all this!
but the teachers don't care.
and june i have made your community a mess.everyone is waiting for me to getout. so the goodnews is that i'll not trouble anyone of you.
@alok
thanks. and you are right. i didn't care about who will read this post. well, i don't know if could actually implement those things.
@harsh
thanks.
maybe indirectly i was telling all this to myself. ok i'll be frank here. the daughter here is me.thats why i call her sushmita. those were my problems.
thanks Sush, for ur comments and the extra info on the Queens.
@mannu
you are welcome
hi..
liked reading this.
I am smilng as i write this.. u remind me of my rebel days...
Once i had a great debate with my teacher on "why study" :), and she was kind not to expell me from the class, now i think.
U are going to be a fine lady.. and ur daughter a lucky girl..
@viv
thanks
even i had an arguement regarding the same issue with my dad.
he was kind not to throw me out of the house.
I still ask the same thing. He still yells.
My dear child, this is one of the most spontaneous write ups I have come across in a month of Sundays! Smiles...Keep writing exactly as your heart dictates, and I expect to read many more such articles. Your label for this article reads, 'What was I thinking while I wrote this' (or something similar). I should think, you were thinking nothing and just writing as your feelings flowed. Beautiful!
Deepti
And where did you get the idea that you were messing up June's community I wonder?
@deepti
thanks a lot.
well as per my knowledge i have created chaos in the community.
don't you think so?
No honey, as per my knowledge you have not created any chaos. :) Come back, and feel free to post anything anywhere that you feel is rational.
@Deepti
Thanks for speaking for me. You people are mirror to my soul.
@Sushmita
Atlas Sphere waits for you.
I waited and waited to write a comment on this. Now i feel I can :P
first of all, the post reminds me of "Kuch Kuch Hota Hain" :P
I'm not going to tell you how to live or how to live.
This is the best line that I have found.
But what bothers me is that you have this godzilla sized inferiority complex
This is the second best line. :P
Now i'm not going to say that' how can you love others when you don't love yourself' and other quotes
Most agreeable line.
..close your eyes and say "i deserve respect..why should'nt i
Line that I do not agree with.
Congratulated you must be for writing these lines
" This respect cannot be earned from anyone. Respect is a very important word in life. Never forget this word.When you start respecting yourself ,the word 'possible' which was your irregular guest starts coming everyday to your house. Don't you want to welcome your guest? now you might hesitate opening the door because when you peep through the hole of the door you get scared: this guest brings an unwelcomed guest: responsibility
My confidence comes from the fact that I walk on this earth, and I am damn good at that. So I am a bit over-confident. So, I do not agree with that line of yours, though I think I can relate to what you mean.
The word might have been complex of midiocrity, which is never answered in most of the books.
There are some interesting concepts regarding this, the heroism, the now and here. It is all about the central view that an observer has to this whole world. And as he is the centre of everything, nothing can affect him till he lets himself be affected.
Your post was great to read, and even better to ponder. Now I am thinking what I need to say to my daughter...
I think, I would like her to have questions, perhaps that is one point you missed....
Loved it...
Keep it up.
Interestingly, you are your own mother, but then, who is not?
@Ramyangshu
As always, excellent thoughts. :)
@ Mr. Ruthless
(Ramyangshu)
"I'm not going to tell you how to live or how to live."
hahaha...typing error...
"I think, I would like her to have questions, perhaps that is one point you missed"
I should have allowed her to ask some questions. maybe in the next post
and please tell me why do you don't agree with that respect line?
this is too good a food for thought sush. unbelievably wonderful way of expression
It requires me to go in to depth of the Observer concept to answer your query.
As you are the observer yourself, you can not respect yourself, for you can not watch yourself. Your respect, if it comes, must come through you comparing yourself to others. And that is not agreeable to me.
The prioritisation of achievements, and your efforts to have them will let you know that you can only know your inabilities, and form a vague idea about your own abilities. Your knowledge of yourself is always second hand, unless it is a belief that you carry with you.
Respecting yourself requires you to see your actions, but that, if you want to see, can only be achieved by you admiring your works. And that is an end TO ME.
Again, the respect that you speak about here is almost simmilar to belief that you carry, and you can only be disillusioned by life.
As a matter of fact, this comes to you, and it is created by a mind which can not but walk on solid grounds. And the solid ground is provided by an imaginary view of yourself, and an objective assesment of the challenge.
We are not worthy because we are born, but because we earn it. Sometimes, we feel we are getting things which are not deserved, but an introspection will make you see that somebody is attaching value to you, and as such you are getting things that you feel you do not deserve. Bow, to question that would not be correct, as his morality is no business of yours.
As this post is already long, I would stop it here. But there are many things which must be understood before you can know that a man can never respect himself without BELIEVING that he is worth that.
Happy journey.
@Mannu
thanks
@ Ramyangshu
" a man can never respect himself without BELIEVING that he is worth that."
yes,i agree with that.
And where does this agreement leave you Sushmita?
To what extent you prefer to believe than see?
Regarding the previous discussion, I think what Sushmita meant by advising her "daughter" to say "I deserve Respect" is that she should have enough self confidence to believe in herself and her abilities.
Without self confidence, a person is nothing and, hence, I believe that expecting respect for your work is a great way to motivate yourself.
@ Ramyangshu
Alok answered your question!!!
i really don't know to what extent i'll 'believe'...its a tough word.i'm still digesting the word. ..slow.. but hey i'm trying!!!
ya you can't respect unless you believe.step by step.
@Alok
you just come like an angel at the right time and say the right thing in as few lines as possible.
ohhh so many comments !!!
Sorry I missed the reply..
So I am late.
Alok, your statement is contradictory,and redundant.
You wrote this
" she should have enough self confidence to believe in herself and her abilities."
And that is the definition of self-confidence. So, you mean to say, to have self-confidence, you need to have self-confidence.
Well, your statement is partially right, for it applies when a person is building on his works and having feed-back confidence boost. But that is not related to my question.
I ask again, where from you gather the first confidence?
And Sushmita did actually address this very point in her blog, but I do not understand how she agrees with you now.
As regards expecting respect for motivation, that is again fooling yourself, I feel. If you know your work is worth respect and appreciation, the you do not expect it. You work even if it does not come.
So the question to you would be, where from do you want this motivation to come from? Or are you source-independent.
P.S. Ignore my terminologies, for I am yet building them
Sushmita,
Belief is not an objective way. So there is a choice here...
Thanks
"If you know your work is worth respect and appreciation, the you do not expect it. You work even if it does not come."
loved this line.
ya I do have a choice!!
how can I forget that word?
From my rereading of this excellent blog article and the valuable inputs by everyone over here, I've come to the conclusion that All of us want to say the same thing.
We all relate to this post because we have, at some point or the other in our lives, considered how we would have raised ourselves as children. More often than that, we think about not repeating the same mistakes our parents committed while raising us. This, according to me, is the primary motivation and central theme of the post.
However, among the many things that Sushmita ponders through, she emphasizes most upon curing the "Godzilla sized" Inferiority Complex. And it is here that she uses the words "Respect yourself". Now, I've been through a phase in my life where this nasty Inferiority complex took complete control over my life. It was horrible. My emerging out of it and taking back control of my life was based on a similiar principle.
If you go ahead and take the literal meaning of "Respect yourself", then What Mr. Walker says makes sense to me. Yes, "Believe in yourself" would have worked, too. That's what you mention in your comment, too, Walker.
However, (and I speak from personal experience here) believing in yourself is NOT sufficient. It requires something more than that. To be able to start contributing to humanity and society and continuing the work you have started, you need to believe that you can do it, And You need to see what your work is contributing to the society, and here, it is necessary to look at yourself and your work from others' perspective.
This is how you find the first confidence, and the motivation:
Only when you find that your work is really helping humanity as a whole, will you be able to fully satisfy yourself. This, in turn automatically generates an inner respect for yourself and what you're doing. This is what is required to go ahead and complete what you've started. I believe that people who have achieved something in life (Mr. Einstein, Mr. Bill Gates,....) have had a clear vision of their work's contribution to society and hence they were able to complete it.
"You work even if it does not come"
That is not true. It depends on the kind of person you are. If you are a person who does not believe in yourself (has an inferiority problem), you stop working and start over with something else (generally forced by society or parents).
About Self confidence: It's not a one stage process. People have various levels of self confidence. What I said was that A person should have their level of self confidence high enough that they start believing in their work (not the one they do, but the one they really want to do), their abilities (which they know about) and themselves.
But Alok what if the society doesn't like what we are doing?
Then would you sacrifice your job for the society?
Suppose you have a job that you like but it doesn't contribute to the society then will you kick that job?
I would never ever do that.
If your work is of a groundbreaking nature, society will dislike it, because it's something new. That does not mean that your work wont contribute to it. We should not be bothered by other people's treatment of our job. They dont realise its potential, but you do.
Secondly, I believe that everything we do contributes to society in a way. If you are a sportsperson, you can bring glory to your nation and inspire countless young people (Sachin Tendulkar). If you are an artist, you could spread a message through your art.
Even if you do something which satisfies only yourself, you are contributing to society, whether you want it or not.
I believe that whatever work you like to do, you should have a vision in mind about how it could affect society in the way you want it to. Even if you do something to please your parents, you contribute to society.
If you do something, and you feel that it isnt contributing to society, try to do it in a way that it will. This is the way to success.
There is no other meaning to a word then the literal meaning, unless you are trying to rephrase yourself. And if you are rephrasing yourself, then why not use a different word?
Alok, mate, experience is a good teacher and you may trust it for a life time, but experiences are subjective *period*
So what you dish out here is purely subjective opinion of yours which is necessarily not true/right.
Now, inferiority complex arises when you are using another person's tool to measure yourself. And that is not right *period*
I am writing here because I do not relate to this post, and because I do not want to relate to this post. This post is pure whining from Sushmita's part, and I do not whine. Sushmita is creating this illusion just to run away, find a different way to what she has been subjected to in life. And this is not the way she can have a happy life. I write here for I denounce the idea, and this idea would lead to another such blog, written by Sushmita's daughter, who is subjected to spoon feeding.
Sushmita, you may not like this, but this is what I make out of this post.
I feel you are feeling your way in the dark, and perhaps, you are looking for a "Go ahead" from people, of your own kind.
Anyways, coming back to Alok's posts,
If you are a person who is unaware of your abilities[I term this as not believing in yourself] then you are free to whine, cry, run, do whatever. Understanding your abilities makes you responsible for them, when you can not let them go astray. This is what makes you walk on earth, with your head held high, and when you walk with your head held high, you feel you belong to this world. And that does not require anybody telling you anything. If you are not comfortable alone, then you are not comfortable anywhere. *period*
Alok, whatever you wrote, is far far away from the truth, and I can prove it by negation, and in near future, I would be proving it by affirmative sentences.
It never depends on society liking it, hating it. Society is non-existent. When you are confident and aware, you can cross battle fields, and every battle is a overrun.
All your assumptions started with "I believe" and as such they are assumptions.
Anyways, you can live a life by your assumptions, for you will find many a supporter for your theory. But, when you shall ask whether your theory is true, when you shall go on asking, then you shall know. And then, your hypothesises shall become theories. Until then PEACE.
Sushmita, you could have walked without writing this post, and I do not like to tell you this. But, we live such sort of life, don't we?
Do you really think you can rectify the mistakes done to you by treating your daughter in the right way?
Is it not the source of all such mistakes? Do you not hate spoon-feeding? And did you not contrdict yourself by writing this blog though you gave plenty of disclaimers in the start? You wrote in negation, and I ask did you actually have anything to cobvey to your daughter? Is not all 'should's and 'must's ne understood/discovered by her?
And all of this is irrelevant.
Any ways, as Alok's first post says,
"I sure hope that you will follow what you wrote, so that you wouldn't have to write something like this to yourself again. :D"
This sums it up
"Do you really think you can rectify the mistakes done to you by treating your daughter in the right way?"
NO AND NEVER
" Do you not hate spoon-feeding?"
I hate spoon feeding. But I was talking about advice and in your younger days you need it.
You wrote in negation, and "I ask did you actually have anything to cobvey to your daughter?"
I was sharing my experience with her.
MY DAUGHTER HAS THE RIGHT TO DO WHATEVER SHE LIKES AFTER READING THIS LETTER.
Is not all 'should's and 'must's ne understood/discovered by her?
Definately.
she MUST discover them.
Hehe.. dudes... PEACE...:D
It was not my intention to fight with people here. If, however, it looks as if I wanted to fight from my posts, I apologize. However, only through discussion are we able to learn and get closer to the general truth.
As I said earlier, We're all saying the same thing. I wasnt talking about working for society's approval (or disapproval). I was talking about gaining confidence for our work because of its potential to serve other people. This is my way of gaining confidence.
Walker says: "Understanding your abilities makes you responsible for them, when you can not let them go astray"
Yes, that is my point, too. I totally agree with it. This is your way of gaining confidence, Walker.
Again, I dont intend to argue with like-minded people. I'm sorry if it looks so.
Mate..
it dint mean fight..
It was arguement. And I think we ae not speaking about the same thing.
So I said peace.
Yes, we are like minded to some extent, hence we r here.. :P
My interpretation of this blog was an advice from Sushmita to herself. The "daughter" concept came in between because parents advise their children in a similiar way.
"Interestingly, you are your own mother, but then, who is not?"
Also, I believe that if you advise your daughter in a similiar fashion, she wouldnt be able to appreciate it at that time. Only when she faces situations in life, will she discover the meaning of the advice. If she weren't advised, she would have to discover the advice herself by trial and error.
P.S. I use "I believe" because all of this are my opinions and I want to present them as such. I dont want to impose them on others. I just present them.
Honestly if you ask me this is one most honest blogs that i have come across.Lately i have read a lot of blogs and this one is among the best. i guess we all have felt ourselves in this blog sometime or the other....this shows how honestly and boldly you write your blogs.....i hope to see more of blogs.....again good work sush!! cheers!
Honestly if you ask me this is one most honest blogs that i have come across.Lately i have read a lot of blogs and this one is among the best. i guess we all have felt ourselves in this blog sometime or the other....this shows how honestly and boldly you write your blogs.....i hope to see more of blogs.....again good work sush!! cheers!
Dear Bachcha...!
Hope you won confuse it with weakness or vulnerability.But here this bachcha is strong enough to come out of her shell.....in the form of her own reflection, her own shadow....Shushmita.....
Feeling like calling you my sweetheart baby and mothering you,a strong and intense desire...
Words cant express what exactly I felt after reading this beautiful letter from a mother to her adolescent daughter..........but only thing I know that any daughter will be very happy and lucky to get a mother like Sushmita.
Lots of love to you and Junior Shushmita.
In context of the arugument between mr Walker Walking Alone and Alok, i would like to back Alock assertion that feedbacks from society are essential, while as Mr WWA puts it, "if u believ in your work then u dont care for feed backs"(not exact wordings) may be patially untrue.
In cases of ground backing work, perhaps, people realize that such work may not easily win acclodes, so now the feedback becomes some future expectation from those would understand, appreciate u in time to come, or, some imaginary person whom u feel around yourself who keeps patting your back. (in my case my love, a girl old classmate, whom i feel for but never spoke with!)
While i would do all the hard work on board my ship, i always felt herself- watching me, or adoring me(now for the first time my confessions). The haulicinations have damped down eversince i learnt she is married.
I didnt look for society's appreciation, and didnt even bother even when i got many, coz this imaginary person was enough, creation of my own mind, re-affirming my faith in my work by way of **giving feed back through her appreciation.**
So essential is the need of feedbacks, even when from outside you may be a "walker walking alone"
Its a human need, to love and to be loved. Corollary-- to appreciate/admire and to get same in return.
a scientific observation that comes out of this whole debate is the point that perhaps mind is capable of judging a work, whetehr own's or smbdy else's, from other's perscpective also. for example..we try to declare a movie hit or a flop by own thoughts alone, while 'hit' or 'flop' is a result of collective work of society; but we try to act on part of 'society' even while we are individual only.
Mind assimilates work from other perspective also.though not necessarly right or wrong.
@Sushmita: one question--
What if your daughter does not understand your advises, this letter, n lives her life to the contrary!?
Sush, i think , the letter may be your way of getting your appreciation/feedback, (from a future or an imaginary entity, creation of your own mind)
Mannu,
The necessity of admiration is not a necessity. I proved it by my life. I need no appretiation, I like it. Lack of it never stops me. I do not give things to you. I create for I can create. You are just a passer by, who comes across me and admires my work. It is just a chance.
I proved it again.
If one can live without wanting it, then all can.
It is a human necessity to love, and I proved it again, by my life. I want to be loved, but again that never affects my ability to love.
Anyways, you may differ, and I do not contradict your opinions.
I have lived, and I know what is unnecessary for me.
Cheers.
@ Mannu
My daughter can tear the letter to pieces or preserve it...its her choice
I have already said it...This letter was a way I wanted to deal with myself...I was a stupid kind of person who wanted somebody to tellme all this...
and when there was no one..I decided to go and write it for myself..thats it....not for any kind of appreciation...you can't accuse me for this one..I normally think 100 times before publishing a blog (I'm getting over it)...but NOT for this one...trust me....I didnt even check the spelling and grammar..who cares?
@ Ramyangshu
If you really lived your life that way then I salute you. But you did admit that you need appreciation once in a while..so you can go on without it? Go on and don't stop..
I wrote, I like appreciations, some times. I do not need it.
And I try to live that way.
First of all, thanks to all of u for ur fast response.
So, appreciation is also a kind of feedback, i expect all to understand, in the context that we are talking about.
@Sush: "This letter was a way I wanted to deal with myself...I was a stupid kind of person who wanted somebody to tellme all this"...
maybe this explain ur need to get a feedback, that what ever u are thinking, through way of talks with ur daughter, is correct.The feedback point comes to fore.!though agreed 'not appreciation' as put it. ;-)!!
@WWA: ahahah-- i can't prove, with all the means at my disposal at present, if there is really no imaginary person u have created to pat you back!! hard to believe that u are creating for u can create it.!!
goes against the great thesis of Chankya that self interest is prime motivator.and also against that of holy book Gita(as i understand from it)- that results of actions are ordained though u should not expect an award n not punishment. But in any case, u do know the results are sure to be delivered.n so u try for awards!dont u?!
do u do meaningless actions then, huh?
Alok's word still backed, strongly.
Mannu, you have your life to prove everything that you can/want.
As regards you beleiving/disbelieving, do I bother? I said, I proved it is unnessecary, and that is all.
I may have taken a lot of time, whiling away under the sun, but finally i am here.
I've read your write.
I've read the Comments too.
The write is Free.
By Free, i mean, You successfully managed to jot down a picture of what your mind wanted to say. And Congratulations for that :)
The Comments, i read, because i am a Student of Human Mind. I am Addicted to it, and its various flavours.
I wanted to see how each one reacts to your words here.
The moment i started reading it, i knew that you were talking to none but yourself. The Mother is You. The daughter is You.
The very fact that you dont want your daughter to go through that generation gap that you have/ had with your mother, bothers you. Yet at the same time, you dont know how to go about being a friendly assertive mother, that you yourself didnt nurture under. You are not very confident of yourself being the Best mum. Thus, you write her a letter. :)
And belive me,
Sushmita Junior wouldn't need this letter on her 16th birthday.
She'll be more than what you think she would be.
:)
As for the writing skills, you've got a different approch than mine. As they say, no two arts of two artists can be alike...
Keep up the Good work.
God Bless.
its an excellent self-potrait
i will give you one solution
don't rebel in the conventional sense
tune your folks, its not easy but it surely does wonders.
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